Going to Home Depot?
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: humour
Something very funny my friend Ron emailed me

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are  hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes, T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog shit in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.


In your 60's

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog  shit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

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The really funny thing is that my boyfriend, in his 50s, is more likely to do what's listed for a guy in his 30s! And he looks it, too! OK, maybe late 30s, but you get my point . . .

High School 1957 vs 2007
Mood:  spacey
Topic: humour
Sometimes it amazes me how much things have changed just in the last twenty years. Look how much they've changed in fifty!

--------------------------

HIGH SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2007


Scenario 1:


Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school
parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.


1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his
car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.


2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail
and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for
traumatised students and teachers.


Scenario 2:


Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.


1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end
up buddies.


2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives - they arrest both Johnny
and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even
though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3:


Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.


1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling
and talking-to by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and
does not disrupt class again.


2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie.
He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the
state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4:


Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.


1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up, goes to college and
becomes a successful businessman.


2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to
foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's
sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to
prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5:


Mark gets a headache and stops at the store for some aspirin on the
way to school.


1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal, who had a headache,
out on the smoking dock.


2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for
drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario 6:


Pedro fails high school English.


1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to
college.


2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear
nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for
graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state
school system and Pedro's English teacher.  English is then banned
from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:


Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts
them in a model aeroplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.


1957 - Ants die.


2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is
charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - all
siblings are removed from their home and all computers are
confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never
allowed to fly again.


Scenario 8:


Little Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort
him.


1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.


2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job.
She faces 3 years in State Prison.  Johnny undergoes 5 years of
therapy.


---------------------------------


Kinda makes you miss the good ole days sometimes, doesn't it?

some more humour
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: humour
Something else my dear friend Barry sent me.

Yearly Exam

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.

The nurse started with certain basics.

'How much do you weigh?' she asked.

'135,' I said.

The nurse put me on the scale.

It turned out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, 'Your height?'

'5 foot 4,' I said.

The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5'2'.

She then took my blood pressure and told me it is very high.

'Of course it's high!' I screamed. 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch!

some humour
Mood:  cheeky
Topic: humour
This was sent to me in email. Granted, this was before my time (ahem) but I still get a kick out of it, partly because I grew up on the music and (syndicated) shows from the 1950s and '60s.

Enjoy!

-----------------------------

Comments made in the year 1955!

That's only 54 years ago!

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?  It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit.  A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.  Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible.  Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.  Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.  Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.  They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas ."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?  It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.  They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.  I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.  I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
   
Know any friends who would get a kick out of these, pass this on!  Be sure and send it to your children and grandchildren too!